Fortune cookies

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.

Actual Test Answers Music Teachers Have Received, #3:
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

For any twentieth-century American who'd been paying attention at all, the phrase 'criminal justice system' should have been warning enough.

— L. Neil Smith (W.W. Curringer, in "Pallas")

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